chris_bak

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 15:43:41 GMT

I HAVE NEVER CHANGED
in my entire existance I have always been what I am now.
its not always a bad thing and the same goes for a good thing
I am seperate from people. I just don;t get along with them I just am not part of there world, not a social animal. if u talk to me I will listen and respond but heaven forbid I talk first or at least thats how it seems. I am smart and can raise up and destroy any idea sent my way. for nothing is perfect and I am a adiment believer in that.
I don;t have time. I need time I say 6 more hours in a day. 2 more for sleep two for work and 2 for me to do with as I choose. but in this world in this over abunance of technology and rush I am not allowed to enjoy life. AND IT FUCKING SUCKS.

no one reads this so hello random nothing that will see this. I just have a bunch of tension which goes ;lkagdjhvb rodp;ieguhv lnsdjzkhAref gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. so ttyl? proabaly cuz you'll be here.

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 04:26:27 GMT

There is always a choice. weather it be left or right there is a choice. I don;t think there is never a choice, just some horrible and horredeous options that some people won;t consider of concieve.
theres always a choice. computers work the same way with 1 and 0. which is eqivilent to yes and no because and question can be broken down into several yes or no questions.
okay for example whats your favorite color can be broken into
is green your favorite color?
is red your favorite color?
is magenta your favorte color?
is black your favorite color? ..... and so on and so forth

well no one read that but eventually someone might. so next action to speak of. so I was thinking lets get to nothing oh ravenous pigeons will attack olfers that do not live by the code. the dress code of my putting green. which has the do with plaid pands and sweater vest and other such thing which I have choosen not to disclose at this moment if you wish to know comment. becky might also know the details if she remembers cuz we were high on corn. lol. don;t ask.

Thanks Stacey for the surveys

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 04:40:56 GMT

Your Dominant Intelligence is Interpersonal Intelligence

You shine in your ability to realate to and understand others.

Good at seeing others' points of view, you get how people think and feel.

You have an uncanny ability to sense true feelings, intentions, and motivations.

A natural born leader, you are great at teaching and mediating conflict.

You would make a good counselor, salesperson, politician, or business person.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

You Are Spider-Man

Quick and agile, you have killer instincts (literally).

And that kind of makes up for the whole creepy spider thing.

What Superhero Are You?

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are compassionate, caring, and soothing.

You like other people to depend on you...

In fact, you don't feel right unless you are helping someone out.

Underneath it all, you feel the burden of everyone's problems.

Without your guidance, you fear that many people's worlds would fall apart.

You like to feel in charge, even if it brings you a lot of stress.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Your Love Element Is Water

In love, you connect deeply and commit totally.

For you, love is all about taking risks and moving into unknown territory.

You attract others with courage and confidence.

Your flirting style is defined by your flexibility and ability to adapt.

Nurturing and shared learning are the cornerstones of your love life.

And while you may jump in to love too quickly, you always come out the wiser for it.

You connect best with: Metal

Avoid: Earth

You And another Water element: will pull each other down into a dark place

What Element Is Your Love?

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 12:29:25 GMT

Your Brain is Blue

Of all the brain types, yours is the most mellow.
You tend to be in a meditative state most of the time. You don't try to think away your troubles.
Your thoughts are realistic, fresh, and honest. You truly see things as how they are.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about your friends, your surroundings, and your life.

What Color Is Your Brain?

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 15:29:12 GMT

well figures I should do it

hmm
1 I work at market in the square's meat department. its not that bad but cleaning gets redundant

2 I have a fantastic girlfriend and wish she was here right now

3 I haven;t written in or about a story in a long time. because well i have no time.

4 I work till 8pm most days of the week except sundays and now normally tuesdays and thursdays so if anyone is like amazingly bored and has free time those days and wants to do something. HELLO I am chris and is bored.

5 I should be doing homework but haha who does that and also I might resign my calc class I just don;t seem to be getting it.

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 18:09:54 GMT

maybe the world has changed. I though that maybe I was right at saying that. but it hasn;t it never does people make the same mistakes look in the wrong places, and get angry at it. apparently many people are quite angry at someone that they once cared or cared about. they curse their name and there stupidity. but I hate to say this if you like someone ask them the fuck out. drop your ridiculous stereotypical bull shit that men should do it. because women men ARE FUCKING SLOW. and secondly mist men are looking for a quick hook up then a relationship. because relationships take time and effort. and honestly making out or having sex is alot easier. men are stupid for the most part. now I am not insulting all guys because yes there are some out there that genuinely care, but there the ones ladies that are either over looked or they ignore they have feelings because they assume they have no chance. guys also tend to run away from there problems. why because its easier to run and every relationship has its problems. some are just the stupidiest shit others have bigger ones. those relationships should end if you can't resolve the the issue. such as if the issue is trust. everyone should know by now that boys have more then one friend that is a girl and girls have more then one guy that is there friend so there has to be trust in that the person is with you and no one else. The best thing to do is to clarify what being boy friend and girl friend mean in the begining. because some people means your dating exclusively and other not. you have to know what the other person thinks. and if you aren;t exclusive you have no right to be angry if they go out and make out with someone, because thats what you applied for. and if you would be then you should tell them you want exclusivity.

the reason behind writing this is because of the other entries of friends. we worry about things that don;t matter and we are bitter. bitter over break ups and missed chances when there is no reason to. breakups happen for a reason, don';t be angry accept you were not a good match or ready for that level of commitment. lost chances unfortunately I have to say are your own fault because someone else beat you to the punch. you should of asked them out. It sucks becuase you have to put you heart on the line and its your most closely gaurded possession but you have to risk it dropping every once in a while. its stronger then you think. rejection is normal.

"if you never fail then you never succeeded."

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 17:16:33 GMT

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world.

And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly.

Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life.

You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful.

You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person.

With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!

What's Your Element?

it seems my definate element is air. almost every quiz I take I get the same result air flying or the similar.. so I am an easy going and am everywhere. and everybody needs me to survive. YAY

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 14:12:10 GMT

Hi everyone I am alive and its 9 o'chlock. gah this is lunacy. the things one does for love.

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 16:05:36 GMT

To be here I might as well update or something. SO I got the book in which I wanted to go and get for the continuation of the story I was writting. The vampire story I was writting I need an idea of what to happen next. I was thinking about having him go to a club and finding its run by a vampire house. then I need some ideas for like tasks or jobs that he could preform to give the story some basis in reality. also I don;t know what to make the key stressor in the story should be I have him looking for his love in the story but I need a few ub plot or distractions from his key quest. SO if you have any ideas no matter how dumb I need to here them., I can work with anything you give me. Hey I GOt another idea. if you want to become a charac`ter tell me about yourself you want in the book. I'll need like a name, a race you can be like anything also I would need to ask you a few questions about your condition and also where you would hang out so I can work your character into the story. so if any of yous have any idea please share.

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 16:14:20 GMT

why does this breath still flow freely from my lips in and out
in and out
what reason o I have to be?
what is my purpose?
God do you dare to answer or do you cower still in fear as you always do
Look at me show me some reaction show me some compassion please I beg of you
World why do you spin the same circles year after year? why do I exist year after year?
I don;t need to exist I haven't felt my purpose call to me.
I haven't ever felt complete
I haven't ever been free from this nagging anxiety
WHY I cry in my hollow mind searching and searching never to find
WHY I beg and claw at hoping or a response even if its no
WHY do I feel this way as if the world is a joke a fabled effigy of reason.
WHy is it that I can understand the world but yet know nothing.
Be a pawn but have the power of a king.
Why do I get up each day and continue this slow crawl to the grave.
I will die never having met death.
I have no fear of death but is life I fear.
I have never lived since those days of child like naivete.
But I have died already rotting way in this animate corpse waiting for true death or life to ensue.
I HAVE NEVER LIVED
AND I ONLY FEAR NOT KNOWING WHY I HAVEN'T

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 15:39:46 GMT

Do you ever underestimate your own ability well off course you do it is just human nature. Human nature is such an excuse for the things we do. Its in our nature were suppose to do it and yet we have desecrated anything remotely close to our own nature. We refused nature oh so long ago with our ideas of superiority to it. We have been shunned by that which exists most bountiful. There is no recourse for our abandonment of nature. We no longer walk among the beasts or understand them as we once did. We cast them aside as tools to further our own gain. We have no need for these fancy things of electricity and batteries. Life exists to end and we fight that with all our might. Our mighty technology can only delay the inevitable, but what use is it? when we waste only use our time to gain more time. Its an unending cycle of living to have time to life. No one lives any more; we all just exist never smart enough to enjoy life. We can’t sit in silence and look around is unnatural to be doing nothing. We label such acts as lazy and boring. But why? There is more to life then getting something accomplished, there is more to enjoy then getting more and more material goods. Yes I know the idea is redundant but no one listens to it. And you won’t now. You have to find your own realization it can’t be handed to you or maybe it can. But you have to find it no one else can.

Mon, 09 Oct 2006 03:21:12 GMT

I so wanted to stay with her. I felt my spirit like ache to leave my body as I stepped into the car to leave her. I was driving away and I could still feel her lips and as my eyes closed and each time they did I felt almost as if I was kissing her. I didn't want to leave and I want her to b here with me but I am now forced to obstainfrom her and her beauty. I looked at her and thought to myself why was anything so beautiful created, why is something so magnificent spending there time with me/ but I didn't dwell on it Ijust revealed in the fact it ws happening.

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 15:21:29 GMT

You wanna know something. I am losing interest in working. I really am like fine with the work but I have no free time any more. and I kinda hate it. I mean I do well with the school work and the working but i am not like happy about all of it. I mean school wowho way to go. I am doing fine not bad at all. I mean 88 on pysch bio is good. math I did bad at but we drop the lowest test. english needs some more work and I need to get more time to work on my paintings. I just don't get what I am doing wrong with my paintings. I also take so long to do them and I still don't like them. I feel like my work looks childish and can't get over that. I'm not learning anything in that class. hes not teaching us anything just basically telling us what to do to make the work better and I don't know how. I mean I hear what he says and understand but nothing happens to fix it. WHY DO I SUCK AT LIFE. idk if I can take all of it. but I want the money because I wanna be able to pay for college and not have my parents pay for some and then get screwed when I get out of school. I just don't know. I mean my parents would be fine if I quit working but I wouldn't. well I got to get into stding I really need to. I need to find time to work but I got classes everyday and then working till like 8pm each day doesn't leave much time. idk maybe I was just meant to fail at life. probly god has fucked with me the whole time. I love psychology idk why. I just like people I mean I never see any and I rarely talk but when II am included in the gruop even if just listening to people talk I learn I understand. its amazing. lifes a game of people and psychology will help me to win. lol or at least survive. I don't think I am cut out for college. I mean if I was doing both college and high school I would be fine. but I'm not. I hate college the whole scheduling kills me, I need to be in school longer then this. I need a high school sturcture and thats not going to happen again. damn you fucked up world. college is suppose to be great but it isn't. I am never going to have the best years of my life till I'm like old. like a thousand cuz I'll live that long. and so I am really feeling overwhelmed. and idk what to do about it. I just don't know. anyone can help? can anyone help?

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 01:54:58 GMT

there are some days I just shouldn't speak
retreat and be normal for a bit
but I can't I keep running my mouth
and my hand won;t come up to stop my speak
I guess I'm reaping who I am
I hate being me and all that I am
people keep telling me that I can't say a word with out critisize someone
I can't stand up or shut up when I need to.
why do I have to be so
I'm a damn waste of space why do I need to breath
all I do each day is ponder sittin here wonder why I should be when I feel so lost

Sat, 09 Sep 2006 08:33:00 GMT

are we not mortals on this livid planet of life
each once time caomes to past but alas the fading memory of yester day haunts the present apparatus
Our ability to move forward impair by our ability to stand still.
when run from all we need with wishful desires and hopes in transitent dreams of immortality.

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 15:23:00 GMT

Ever have that tickling sensation on the back of your neck
that screams for you to get up and run, Screaming RUN
but you sit still allowing the goosebumps to run over your body
supressing that feeling that insticnt to nothingness
and just sit there with nothing to do.
WHY don't we run our body thinks it would be fun
it wants to move it told us so.
why do we contain it. what is wrong with letting it break free
why do we not want to be free?
we supressinstincts that tell us to free ourselves. we hold back what we need to say wait to do what we need to do but never lets our grip this so called self control slip. WHY?

NO BODY EVER READS WHAT THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT (JUST TURN AWAY)

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 03:14:36 GMT

i REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY LOST IN A SEA OF CONSCIOUS VISION LOST IN THIS LAST BALLAD OF LUST. i CAN'T DISCUSS THE FEELINGS i FEEL CAUSE IF i TRY TO i COULD NEVER TAKE IT BACK AND i CAN;T BECAUSE THOSE THAT NEED TO HEARD IT i CAN'T TELL. BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES THEY NEVER READ THIS ANY WAY BUT i WON'T NAME NAME BUT FOR SOME REASON i'M PISSED. SO LET SEE HOW IT GOES THIS IS WHAT i FEEL WHO THE FUCK KNOWS IF THIS IS REAL.
i WANT TO BE FUCKING FREE GOD DAMN DISRUPTIVE HARMONY MY MIND HAS BEEN RUNNING FREE. i KEEOP ON HAVING DELUSIONAL THOUGHTS NO ACTUALLY i HAVEN'T LIKE IT HAS GIVIN UP BUT i HAVE AS IF MY MIND HAS LET THE THOUGHT OF HAPPINESS NO FUCK THAT LETS SPEAK THE TRUTH i AM FUCKIN SICK OF WAITING FOR LOVE i LOOK AROUND ME AND i CAN'T SAY i'VE HAD ENOUGH BUT i WISH i COULD JUST WONDER WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING THROUGH MY MIND THIS STUPID DUMB SUBLIMINAL MIND FUCK THAT HAD CONSTANTLY PLAYED WITH ME DAY AND NIGHT HAS FINALLY WON i CAN'T HOLD ON ANY MORE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK i AM TRYING TO GRASP ANY MORE i THINK IT WAS LOVE BUT MY MIND IS STARTING TO THINK JUST TO GIVE UP AND GO FIND MYSELF A DOOR TO WALK THROUGH THAT MAY NEVER LET ME BACK IN. i THOGHT ABOUT PREIST HOOD FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LITERAL SENSE FOR THE FIRST TIME WAITING FOR THIS ;LOVE YTHAT ALL THESE PEOPLE SAY THAT ONE DAY i WILL GET WELL i THINK THAT THIS DAY WILL NEVER COME i CAN'T BELIEVE i STILL GIVE A FLYING FUCK GOD DAMN THE MAN IN MY HEAD WHY THE HELL CAN'T HE BE DEAD. i JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY i WANT TO HAVE THIS STUPID LOVE GOD i KNOW ITS WORTH IT BUT WHERE THE WHY THE FUCK DOES IT MATTER i KNOW THAT THE EREST OF MY LIFE WILL BE LEFT ALONE i GUESS IT WILL JUST BE MY FUEL FOR THE LYROCAL TOUNGE. FUCK THEW LYRICAL TOUNGE i ONLY WISH THAT i COULD GIVE U MY DAYS OF WRITING FOR SOME TIME OF HAPPINESS. i AIN'T HAPPY BUT i'M NOT ITS LIKE ABOVE CONTENT BUT i HAVE NO CLUE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPINESS MAY BE i JUST WANT MY HUMAN SIDE TO FINALLY SUCCEED FROM ME CAUSE AS SOON AS IT DOES THEN i WOULD BE FREE AND HAPPY i KNOW YOU PEOPLE DON'T SEE OR UNDERSTAND HOW THAT IS [OSSIBLE BUT THE ONLY THING HOLDING ME BACK IS WANTING LOVE AND CARING ABOUT HAPPINESS GOD DAMN HUMN KIND FOR THIS STUPID WEAKNESS i HAVE NO HOPE IN FINDING LOVE ANY MORE i WILL TRY AND EXCOMMUNICATED THAT IDEA FROM ME. i DON'T WANT IT ANY MORE. i DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE i WANT EVERY ONE TO RESPECT ME NOTHING MORE COME AT ME AS YOU WISH i REFUSE TO GIVE IN AND LOOK BACK ON MY REGRET i AM GOING TO BE FREE i AM GOING TO TRY AND KILL THE HUMAN SIDE OF ME GO AWAY FROM ALL THAT WAS THOUGHT TO BE ME AND EVOLV O WHAT i WAS ORIGIONALLY INTENDED TO BE. a DAM N PROPHET A FUCKING MESSANGER MENT TO SPEAK OUTHOPING SOMEONE WILL HEAR THESE WORDS. PEOPLE RUN AWAY FROM ME.

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 18:39:59 GMT

Is it alright to st up by the phone all night waiting
for that one phone call you know will never come
to sit up waiting hopeing that fate will take that leap tonight
as you see there screen name pop up they would say they would say hello
that one of your keys to slip and you send them that message
you write thats never to be sent
but your hand never slips
that everytime the see you they wold run up with a hug and a kiss
or as they see you they tell you your missed and want to be with you
but the action never comes and the words are never spoke
and you just wont loosen your lips and let the words slip
or you can't say how you feel because the pain is just to real
that you were to late and they already had plans or a date
see what happens when we wait or don;t do want we know is right never run and hide from what you know in your heart to be right but if to late keep quiet and let the ONE's peace or happiness go on. you will always have memories of happiness from the past.

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 01:10:55 GMT

Bring life back to me.
give it back. I had given no one permission to take it.
give it back you. you stupid world.

I lied awake last night and it hit me hard. this realization that life goes down hill. I mean my parents have few friends they see except those that they work with, but at least they have each other. and as I lied away I asked myself what did I have? I only answered I've got no one. I mean if I live for very long I will grow up and away from my parents house. and then I will have almost no one. I mean I will see a few people I think. I mean I would go to matts shows and see some people there and maybe court and beck would call me every blue moon but beyond that I am going to be lost. how do I fix this I asked? I laughed at myself then and said what is there to fix? you have friends, oh you want someone will I'm sorry but that is your personality flaw. yeah you think that with all the smarts you got that wouldn' be hard to do but thats what you made your wall around. so have fun trying to topple it. I looked at the wall and I did a good job. I've isolated myself from new people I don't have to deal with. damn walls made out of titanium as well. I did a really good job well I guess I better get to work.

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 04:08:56 GMT

I am going to write right now and see what comes out maybe I could start with something random so it seems like me. I hate being green. I

mean being envious and all is fine and dandy but when I go outside no one can see me standing next to a tree. people need to get classes. (someone from the crowd yells) or you could stop envying people?
HaHA what color would I turn then? And well why don't all you people stop having what I want but can't have. (someone else) you should other peoples stuff.
now I'm going to be a criminal. sheesh I like the way you people think so I guess I will continue now on my path to crime. I could be a super villian. what would my name be? I guess it would be the same as it is now. Chris thats menacing right? (crowd laughs, apperantly because somehow I have managed a crowd) so I will be chris the night stalker. cause as we all know you can stalk night. I wait on the corner of sunset and sunrise watching nights ever move. I bet that is a real street corner. I live where the moon don't shine. lol I must be going crazy. crazy I was crazy once, they put me in a room I died there, the worms they tickled me, it drove me crazy, crazy? I was crazy once... okay so now I'm back. no actually I'm still bak but okay so where was I? (again someone from the audiance because I took 5 minutes picking my teeth) you gonna continue the show?
oh okay I thought I was done no one was answering me. ::crackes knuckles:: ever notite that continue ends in you except its spelled u-e instead of y-o-u. well next thought of the moment any random words anyone to get the ball rolling? (Love is whispered from the crowd) (no one hears it but me. I search the crowd trying to find the origion of the voice but see only hollow faces. Love I whisper to myself once more. I looked out in to the crowd and my heart dropped. I had no love I know no love I wish I could be a little bit more of myself and get a girlfriend but no I hide behind myself and cry about it stupid me. Love I whisper under my breath once more.) LOVE my fair audiance is something most people don't get enough of. I know several people that have only had a few significant others if any in there life. I mean we all know that teenagers are some horny bastards so you gotta ask whats wrong with these kids that they always complain but never go up to a girl or guy and be like you look interesting wanna talk? well see what the problem is is that the horny bastards are also cruel bastards. the see someone low class that whats to talk to them they treat them worse then the ant they just step on because as you know the ant might die and never feel anything or the ant might live not knowing the difference of what just happened. a person though they look at and just let lose making fun of every aspect of them killing there self esteem as well as there desire to try again so some people never try aka me. yes I know wow why would suck a loser confess this? well because I have been told that I'm not a loser that I am smart and funny and even cute ew I know they must of been crazy. but heres the bottom line. I've never been adjusted I mean most of my friends are girls and so is most of my family. so yay me. but see I am so use to being around women that I am afraid to get close to them. to put my arm around them because well I am there friend not there boyfriend not there lover. haha say lover slowly. I thought it was funny at least but anyway I placed myself as not allowed to do that. I mean if you ever came in my head and happened upon the moment I wanted to do more, I am perfect. I notice when girls are cold. I want to put my arm around them put I don't. I want to make them happy but I don't move. you also want to know something that really sucks. everone that I know that I wanted to date either lives to far away or is taken nd you know I asked some of them out before they were taken and they were like not now. and so I was like okay then I can wait. so I waited and guess someone else walked up first and boom there going out and I'm sitting there going what the fuck? looking at my hands going did I miss something? I thought I was next in line. but you know how that goes nice guys finished last. shouldn't of let all those asshole go ahead of us is what I'm thinking. so there all getting coupled up and I'm looking around at hows left. and well I find someone I like but I don't know but something is telling me that it won't work out so I listen to it. so now I'm alone yep. So now I got to go out and go find more new people to be friend. I thought I was done with making new friends when I got done with high school. Damn it. stupid college. you know college sucks the books cost like a ba jillion dollars. yay imaginary numbers. but come on the only reason we pay so much is that we need them for a peice of paper called a diploma or something. fuck I could forge on it ten minutes useing my computer. so thats a waste of life I mean college is suppose to prepare you for life but it doesn't. the first question your asked in college is whats your major? its a nice labeling system. I'm a engineer or I'm an artist. haha but what kid really knows what they wanna be out of high school. I mean you learn that there is a ga-ba-jilleon different choice no kidding. to what there is to be in life and most look at it like a der da der. I'll tell you the kid that knows what he want to be when they grow up are thse kids that in pre- school were like I wanna be a doctor. and they stuck with that cause in some way they had a little part in the back of there head going this is the default. don't forget it . and its only the doctors too because how many people are astronauts? like what 5 people in the world. yeah and cops is another one of those pre school careers . but as you get older you learn police men get shot and well who the fuck wants to be shot. so doctors is about it and vets which are animal doctors. I don't know why doctors are the only like life long goal no pre-k child goes I want to be a accountant. how fucked up ywould you think of a child that said at the age of five (puts hand out) five count them. one two three four five, would say they want to be an accountant. you wouldn't be like well loook at that what a normal child no you'd be like what a fuckin weirdo. and take your child away from them hoping they didn't catch anything. (crowd laughs) but really I ws six sitting there being asked what do you want to be when you grow up nervous sweating hoping the teacher would just go away. I'm not ready to make that kind of decision I only five for gods sake. so after six minutes of nervous sweet I say I don't know. and the teacher walks away. what the fuck? no do you wanna be a teacher or a cop. nope nothing like yep go ahead be lost. later in life you say that you don't know what you wanna be you know what you get? well thats okay no one knows. ::hands on head then flial out:: WHat do you mean no one knows? fuck then I might as well go sit out and wait in the street till someone hit me with a car. no one knows. so everyone working is sitting there looking at the wall going I wish I knew what I wanted to be. man I'm fucked then. but you get to college and your expected to know what you wanna do with your life. and like most high school grads they just had sex for the first time and are like how about just sleep fuck and eat cause those last few days of high school were good. and well that would be fine but eventually parents pull the plug and the money to eat and place to sleep go poof. haha welcome to the real world fucking is a profession but you need to be smart enough to find it or be good looking and that usually only works for women cuz guys are more likely to look at pictures then go do the work of finding someone. women want sex they have to what say yeah sure I'll go out. or even better just walk up to a guy and whisper in his ear wanna fuck and the guy will just get up and follow her. so lets move back into another subject. so how long have I been rambling? what ten minutes now? twenty minutes damn, thats almost long enough to be a HBO special. well if you add in ten minutes of commercials. wiat does HBO have commercials? I haven't had HBO like ever well maybe once for like 4 months till the special deal ran out. eh wasn't like 4 months was anything good either after the first week there are no new movies for another 4 weeks. so yeah I'm still here are you? (cricket cricket) good I can finally take a break. (sit down on the edge of the stage)
How are you doing? (comes from some lady standing at the stages edge) You do shows often.
Only when I am alone. the crowd just seems to appear as I go mental.
Yeah I could see how that is. you start taking and you begin imagining people listening.
yeah your voice sounds familiar. did you yell something out at the show?
No I wsn;t there. (she laughed)
I know you were thre one that whispered love. DOn't think I didn't here you
You usually do here me. but you never find me. I seem to have to find you
well you whisper so I figure you want to be left alone.
No I whiser so you will come and find me.
I'm sorry I've always misunderstood.
Maybe if you would look for me you would know
I look at her face and for an instance light reveals the face. but to brief to remember it exactly. I thought I found you once but I never had the courage to call you love. I thought I may have found you in a few people but they found another before I could get close enough to know.
yeah well you took to long I tend to be take by those more willing to be agressive.
so I guess I'm doomed to be alone.
my poor child as they have told you you won't be alone. dreamers and nice guys finish last but they finish don;t worry you will get there. I know your going to hate this, you just have to get out there and be agressive and in time you will be awarded.
time I laugh it seems to be the only thing I've got but I guess I'll take what I can get.
She turns and one more that brief glimpse of perfection I see again and then its gone. I wonder who it was I saw in that face. maybe I'll get to know one day. I keep thinking it was her or then it comes to the first girl I had known. I think I still like her I still make her perfect in my mind even though I believe I had ruin any chance with her. sometimes when I close out the world to think I think I might of loved her. but I don't know if I will ever see her again if I do I just might die. but I doubt it. I hope she is doing well. back now to here. so I know no one that is single that I think life would allow to work and distance. or maybe I am forgetting someone at this point but I tend not to but there is always that chance. so idk where to go now. well maybe I will post this and go to bed I might do this again sometimes comedy is tough

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 02:42:38 GMT

speak yet again
does the mind the that never rests and reaps off of off set thoughts,
again does it circle my life again picking apart its flaws
it takes the chunk from my side due to the lack of life I live
I live as a shadow rarely seen and rarely heard except for those rare instances Its noticed.
I get up and live each day oblivious to most people, my day not meaning anything to anyone
I have no people to care if I breath or die none would notice till after the fact plus a week or so when I no longer write.
it just seems that I know life is wasting away and can't won't stop it
I hate it.

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 04:55:57 GMT

so inticing so entraping
is this that knows I barely exist
again my mind eludes me to the under tones of what it thinks
but it thinks still telling me what it thinks
It told me to look at what I barely knew once
it showed me what was out of reach
it showed me what was interesting, what was special and unique
never to be copy and me never to met
but yet it kept poking me asking me why I never tried anything more
and I looked at it and asked once more what the hell are you telling me this now when its even farther from grasp
it says I know but look at lst to that which holds a beauty
something it ignite as I was looking through myspace
but why should I care when I remain a shadow to her
what do you want me to be stupid brain
like a child it sits and stares at what it finds entraping never to be free
of the stupid thought that it once could of ceased what it now thinks of at last.
stupid me whuy does my brain got to be this way.
its still not out of grasp it tells me as the profile opens and I see her once more.
I close it and tell my brain once more.
time has helped to close that door
stop thinking like that,
it won't happen now, no time no more
but it now opened that door and left it ajar and now it might become another thought that might plauge me every once in a while as other thoughts still do
why couldn't it close the door now thoughts of you slip through

JUST FREEDOM THAT FEW EVER FEEL

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 03:46:32 GMT

So high above all things I want to fly
To feel unbound to anything,
Nothing to pull me down or weigh heavy on my shoulders
No rules, no chords or strings
Just freedom few ever feel
Or deep in the ocean with no fear of drowning
Just the cool crisp water rushing over me
No one to tell me what to do, no depth of limits
No noise, no worries
Just freedom that few ever feel
In the woods so far and distant that the tree that falls makes noise
Feet are free to move over the earth and feel its security
To run in the breeze with no where to go
No one worries where you are
No duties, no cares or concerns
Just freedom that few ever feel
Just freedom inside that few ever feel before they die

gentle breeze

Sun, 20 Aug 2006 02:48:55 GMT

do you even know when a gentle breeze blows by you?
when it causes that single tuff of hair to fall out of place
when its brush against your skin and cause the sweat to displace
the taste of it flows in your nostrils and mouth breathing new life into you
do you notice it or dismiss it like so many other things?

dismiss it like the smile you once held
dismiss it like the friend you once had
dismiss it like the thought of telling one how you feel
Do you even notice a gentle breeze?

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 04:02:35 GMT

what do you believe?